A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it. – John Steinbeck
This August, my wife, Lisa, and I will have been married for twenty-five years. We lived together for a couple years before we married, so we’ve been together even longer.
Honestly, I love Lisa more now than when we first married, but our marriage has been difficult. We were incompatible when we married. We had numerous power struggles, bad arguments, and major life adjustments. But we gradually learned how to live with each other peacefully and happily.
I’ve identified ten principles that have helped our marriage prosper. I’m no marriage expert and I lack research to prove these principles, but I do know what worked for us. My humble hope is that these principles will help you in your marriage or relationship.
- Expect cycles. I underestimated the number and severity of emotional cycles we’d experience during marriage. Most of the cycles resulted from some positive (birth of children, vacations, new friendship networks) or negative (illness, death of close relatives, accidents, job loss) event. A single cycle can last months or years. I learned you need to expect these cycles and work with your spouse to manage them.
- Manage idealized expectations. We all see beautiful romantic relationships in books, movies, and TV shows. Every month, movie studios release another light-hearted, romantic comedy. I wondered why our relationship wasn’t like the relationships in the movies. Similarly, I would unfavorable compare our relationship to what I observed in our friends’ relationships. I stopped comparing when I learned Lisa and I are two unique individuals and, as a result, our relationship is unique. What works for us won’t always work for others and vice versa.
- Give your spouse space to grow. When we first married, my wife was a slightly shy librarian. Within a few years, she was on stage in an amateur bodybuilding contest. This was a shocking change, but I liked it. I learned you never know how your spouse will evolve, but you need to give her space to grow in any direction. If you don’t, she’ll either stop growing or end the relationship.
- Argue respectfully. We had many arguments during our relationship. We would start arguing about one thing and then escalate into everything. It was very destructive and would end in name calling and expletives. We eventually learned to argue respectfully. We still have occasional arguments, but we limit the scope to one issue and remain calm.
- Let go of control. Earlier in our relationship, I wanted to control everything: money, activities, problem solving, and so on. Lisa was often tolerant, but we’d both struggle for power and control. I eventually learned let go and trust her judgment. As a result, I’m happier and our relationship is better.
- Be committed. There were times when I wanted to divorce. I admit it. In fact, if we hadn’t had children, we probably would’ve divorced. But we went to marriage counseling and stayed committed to each other. I learned no relationship is perfect, but if you keep trying, you can sometimes find a healthy way to make it work. Of course, some relationships are so poisonous it’s better to end them.
- Be forgiving. There are times when my wife did things that hurt me. I know I did things that hurt her. There’s no way to avoid hurting each other when you’re in a long-term relationship. Eventually, we learned to forgive each other. I also learned to distinguish between when she hurt me intentionally or inadvertently. She usually hurt me inadvertently, so I easily forgave. Of course, there are some boundaries that once crossed shouldn’t be forgiven. Each person has to define that boundary and leave the relationship if it’s crossed.
- Be present. I learned to be more observant and present with Lisa which improves communication. We can often communicate with a look or small gesture.
- Be kind. I think of Lisa as a very close friend and I try to treat her as such. I try to be kind when she’s hurt or upset. Sometimes I play coach to help her gain perspective in a difficult situation. Being kind doesn’t mean I’m always nice. Sometimes I confront Lisa about things if I think it’s in her own best interest.
- Be helpful. I learned to be helpful when my wife is struggling with something. I’m still less helpful than I should be, but I try. Also, I learned that HOW I’m helpful is as important as being helpful. If I have a good attitude about helping, our interaction is much smoother.
Looking at this list, I realized many of the principles are also principles that make you a happier person. And I’m a happier person than when we first married. I believe as you become a happier person, your relationships with others becomes easier and more satisfying.
What has or hasn’t worked in your relationship or marriage?
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Tags: Habits, Happiness, Relationships
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Hi Roger,
Congratulations for being married for 25 years! Good for you!
I have found that the best thing is to love unconditionally. When I was newly married, I wanted my husband to do things as I wanted them to be done and if he didn’t, I would get upset. They were not big things but little things that ultimately didn’t mean anything.
I then realized that those little quirks is what made him the man that I fell in love with so I just decided to just let him be. And it made a big difference. I also think when you love someone without condition, then it makes it easier to communicate. I think people are afraid to say what they feel out of fear of the response that they will get.
Like you, I am a happier person now than I was when I first got married. We have been together for seven years but it doesn’t feel like that long.
Nadia,
Thanks!
I went through the same thing of wanting things done my way when it didn’t matter. On rare occasions, I still want them done my way.
I think loving unconditionally definitely helps. You do have to have a boundary if the relationship becomes abusive. From your comment, I know that doesn’t apply to you because you’re in a healthy relationship.
Well done on your 25 years Roger.
That is an interesting list and some good advice.
My wife and I have been married for just under 3 years, but we have been together for a total of 11 years and as time goes on we are still discovering new things about each other. It just gets better all the time.
One of the best things I have found is to have more of an awareness of her thoughts and moods. If I know she is in a delicate mood then I would react around her in a more sympathetic way without hounding her too much.
Garry,
Congrats on your successful marriage as well!
You are a faster learner than me. It took me along time to learn to be present and observant without judgment.
Roger,
Congratulations on your silver anniversary! That is quite an achievement and worthy of celebration. Thanks for sharing your personal tips. I prefer advice from personal experience to textbook guru stuff any day. I’m not married and will need all the advice I can get when I am!
Daphne,
You’re welcome!
I hope your relationship/marriage goes as well as mine has. In any case, it’s always an adventure!
Hi Roger,
Silver! Really quite incredible these days. I’m a single man at the moment but these points are also applicable to non-romantic relationships. Number five is a big one for a recovering conversation bully like me.
David,
Good point! I think many of the principals work in any relationship.
We obviously share more in common than a first name! 29 years of ups and downs this June.
The biggest reason couples don’t stay together is the misconception that everything in a marriage should be smooth. We have gone through many periods of being “barely married” and like you had it not been for the kids, I don’t know if we would still be together.
Now that my children are all married, I am going to print out your list to give to each of them. It is worthy of being framed. Congratulations for not giving up. These are commonly the best of times in a relationship when we get to know each other all over again.
Be Happy!
Roger
Roger,
Welcome and congrats on your long marriage!
It does seem to get better and better as the children grow up. It’s fun watching their lives evolve and it’s fun having more time for your spouse. I hope your children find the list useful.
Congratulations on your 25+ years. I am in awe and have respect of your and your wife’s accomplishment.
What strikes me to the bone is the part about being committed. You see, I was committed in my last relationship - for 19 years. I fought for it. I went to counseling. I stayed a long as I could for the kids. But in the end, it was either going to not work or I would die. I feel guilty every time someone prints a list like this - as though I didn’t try all of those things. They are not magic.
NMPatricia,
Welcome and thank you for your open honesty!
I’m sorry your relationship ended. You have no reason to feel guilty because some relationships end regardless of what you do. In other words, you can faithfully do every item I list and the relationship will still end if the two of you are too incompatible. As you say, it’s not magic. What I think the list can do is improve your odds, but there are no guarantees.
The important thing is that you learn from the experience.
Congratulations Roger! I feel so inspired by your 25 years of marriage and by all the fearless, humbling, challenging growth you’ve so clearly experienced to be able to get to this point.
And it’s so amazing to see so many happy, positive commenters on a blog post, too.
Linmayu,
Welcome and thank you! I also appreciate all the excellent comments.
Wow, Roger, 25 years! Congratulations! That’s pretty rare these days. And I have to say, you hardly even look 25 years old (so you must be doing something right).
Thanks for the great advice. I think #2 is especially important, but often overlooked.
Thanks, Roger!
Michael,
Thanks! I got married when I was 5 years old, so I’m only 30.
#2 was definitely a big problem for me for many years. If you have and ideal marriage model in your head, then any deviation is going to cause you to suffer.
Hi, Roger! Congratulations on the big 2-5… and on turning 30 as well.
I’d have to say one of the things that has helped me the most was to stop thinking selfishly, “What has he done for me lately?” and start thinking, “How have I made HIS life better today?”
It wasn’t easy to do, especially in the early years when reality was unabashedly clashing with my Fairy Tale expectations; but at some point I made the conscious decision to switch my focus from making MY life better to making OUR life better. What a difference that made!
Lisis,
I couldn’t agree more. If we would all wake up in the morning and ask “What small thing can I do today to make my spouse happy?”, we would have less divorce. What’s ironic is that it not only makes your spouse happy, but it makes you happier as well.
one more congratulations here, roger!
you’ve got a number of great points in your post, and i could easily end up putting too many thoughts out here for a comment, so i’ll just say that i’ve been with my wife for just shy of 6 years, and i’ve still got some improving to do.
i think your list is a set of good guidelines.
@Lisis, you make an incredible point, as well. it’s something i have thought from time to time, but i want that to be more like second nature, and less selfishness on my part.
Adam,
Congratulations on your 6 years of marriage. No longer how long we are married, there is always some things we can do to improve the relationship.