The timing of death, like the ending of a story, gives a changed meaning to what preceded it. – Mary Catherine Bateson
When you read the word “death”, what’s your first reaction? Is it distaste? Fear? Sadness? Aversion? Horror? Pain? If you have a negative reaction, you’re not alone. Most people enjoy contemplating death about as much as cockroaches enjoy daylight.
Avoiding Thoughts of Death
We go to great lengths to avoid thoughts of death. In fact, we avoid using the word “death” to describe death. Instead, we use less distressing terms like expire, passing, exit, release, and departure. Think back to your last discussion about death. What words did you hear or use?
A century ago, people were intimately familiar with old age and death. Elderly parents often lived with their grown up children. They were respected for providing entertainment, education, and wisdom to their grandchildren. Death was considered a normal part of life. People often died at home and infant mortality rates were high.
Today, we hide from old age and death. Elderly parents often live alone far from their children. We worship youth and beauty over age and wisdom. Advertisements, TV shows, and magazines show beautiful, young people. Older people dress “young”, so they can pretend to be younger. Plastic Surgeons reverse the signs of aging so we look younger. Death is something we try to cheat. People die in hospitals, rest homes, and hospices, while infant mortality rates are low.
Originally, the nascent insurance industry tried to sell Death Insurance, but nobody would buy it because it was too morbid. It made people think about their own deaths. A clever marketer changed the name from Death Insurance to Life Insurance and the insurance industry grew rapidly.
Reasons to Contemplate Death
Instead of avoiding thoughts of death, let’s embrace them. Let’s contemplate our death with a serene mind. Let’s make death our friend. There are good reasons for doing so:
- Your death is inevitable. It’s just a small matter of timing. You could die today – who knows? If you think about it, death is to life as dark is to light. You can’t have one without the other. Shouldn’t you think about inevitable things in your life? Benjamin Franklin said that “in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” I’m sure you’ve thought about taxes, so why not contemplate death as well?
- You’ll die more peacefully. I know a Buddhist teacher who lives near me. People near death often ask him to help them die peacefully. He says it’s sad because it’s impossible to help them prepare for death when they’re so close to death. Their minds are too agitated. You have to prepare for death before it’s time to die to die peacefully. And since you don’t know when you’re going to die, there’s no time to waste.
- You’ll learn what’s most important. I recently listened to an NPR interview of an American soldier who had returned from the Iraq War. He said he could only function in Iraq if he assumed that he was going to die that day. Otherwise, the fear of death would prevent him from doing his job. A side-effect of his death assumption was that he also thought about what was most important in life. When he came home to the United States, he stopped assuming he would die everyday, but he kept thinking about what was important. Contemplating his own death had taught him a valuable lesson.
- You’ll learn what is “you”. When you think about death, you ultimately think about WHAT will die. Your body? Mind? Soul? What is “you”? The molecules in a human body are completely replaced every seven years. So is your body you? Our thoughts change all the time. Are you your thoughts? Is there any part of you that is permanent when you die?
- You’ll manage your ultimate fear. Death is often our ultimate fear. When I wrote “How to See Clearly When You’re Worried”, my cascading chain of worries ended in death. Albert of UrbanMonk.Net left a comment describing how many spiritual traditions believe fear of death is the root of all worries. If you can learn to manage your fear of death, you’ll find your other fears smaller in comparison.
Most of us view death negatively, but some cultures view it positively. Tibetan Buddhists don’t celebrate birthdays, but they celebrate a monk’s death because it’s an opportunity for the dying monk to see clearly. It all depends on your perspective. 
Try This
If you’re like most people, you won’t contemplate death until you’re about to die. This is not the best time, so try something different. On a sunny beautiful day, when you’re happy and relaxed, contemplate your own death. Actually visualize yourself on your deathbed. Feel the bed sheets and your physical weakness; become aware of your shallow breath; see the faces of the other people around you. What happens when you die? What’s really important? What’s do you fear about dying?
Even at our birth, death does but stand aside a little. And every day he looks towards us and muses somewhat to himself whether that day or the next he will draw nigh. – Robert Bolt
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Tags: Death, Mindfulness, Psychology
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This is a very deep and emotionally-charged post! Thank you for writing about this. So many people in the world live in constant fear of something that is unavoidable. It’s like being afraid that the sun will rise tomorrow, or that Winter will fade into Spring.
Upon facing my death at a very young age, I was left with a strange sense of calm about the whole matter. (I believe) I’ve seen the afterlife, and it is a place of amazing peace, love, and compassion. Our struggles are in *this* world. On the other side of the veil, rest and happiness prevail.
“Don’t fear the reaper.” ~The Divine Source, via Blue Oyster Cult
Jay,
You’re welcome!
You’ve obviously had a life altering experience. I wish we could all see what you’ve seen. The afterlife you describe sounds marvelous.
The Blue Oyster Cult song is one of my favorite songs.
Roger,
Bravo for addressing head-on on a topic that many avoid. Many years ago I started living as though everyday were my last. Think I’ve gotten rusty with that now though.
I love the story of the soldier in Iraq who had to assume he would die that day in order to function. In a way, if we knew we would live forever, today becomes meaningless because it doesn’t really matter. When we know our days are numbered, each day becomes precious. In that way, death gives meaning to life.
Intriguing post.
Sometimes I wonder why so many people seem to be running away from death like you mentioned, trying to cheat it. I think perhaps it’s because many people live such unfulfilled lives.
If you go to school, get a job, retire to Florida and then die, life would be pretty unsatisfactory. The person who is at peace with himself and the world does not fear death. And we don’t all need to be monks to achieve this either. Your reasons to contemplate death are spot on, thanks for sharing this.
Great post Roger and such a difficult subject to get people to think about. I also like what Daphne says ‘death gives meaning to life’. Sometimes when everything is going great and I am just on one of lifes highs, I often think that ‘I could die now and I wouldn’t realy mind’, strange I guess and I don’t quite understand it.
@Daphne: I agree. When we know our days our numbered, each day is precious. I think it’s one of the great results of contemplating death.
@Tom: You’re welcome! A person can’t really be at peace until he’s faced his fear of death. And then he can live a better life. It’s ironic that contemplating death helps you live a better life.
@Garry: That’s great! I think that means you no longer fear your own death and you’re satisfied with your life as it is.
Hi Roger,
You did a great job on a topic that not many people like to think about. I recently was in a book store and saw a book called “The Diet To Avoid Death”. I could not believe it, I had to rub my eyes twice to make sure I was not seeing things and yes, there it was.
Like Jay, I came close to dying when I was a teenager. After that experience, I am not afraid of dying. I am more afraid of not living. Watching my mom pass away reinforced that fact. She left all her material items behind. She just took her thoughts, feelings and memories.
When you go outside of America and you tell people about Life Insurance, they find the whole thing strange. And when I read about how it was originally called Death Insurance , that only adds to how messed up the idea is when you think about it.
Once again, excellent post!
Nadia,
Wow! I guess some people, out of desperation, will read anything. Maybe we could write a satirical book called “Death is a Four Letter Word Plus One”.
I didn’t know people outside the US found Life Insurance strange. Thanks for pointing that out.
Roger,
Great post on a difficult subject. I thought your suggestions were very good. I also liked what you said to Tom that “a person can’t really be at peace until he’s faced his fear of death….contemplating death helps you live a better life.”
I also think it’s helpful to list the reasons for fearing death…put them on paper and then write what I can do to deal with the fears. Treat death like any life transition or change. Thanks for tackling this one. It was very good post :~)
Excellent post and topic. Most people try to avoid thinking about death but, as we all know, it’s pretty damn inevitable. Since it’s going to happen, why avoid thinking about it? Why assume that thinking about it is negative and will only bring us down? As you note here, thinking about death can actually be really beneficial to thinking about LIFE, which is what we’re all in right now. Thanks for sharing these tips!
@Sara: I like your idea of making a list of reasons for fearing death. A few of the reasons might be fear of loneliness, pain, annihilation, or humiliation.
@Postively Present: It takes so much more energy to avoid thinking about death, then it does to just think about it. And, as you say, thinking about it will be beneficial to your life.
Hi Roger,
I was reading Eckhart Tolle the other day and he was talking about the death anxiety that is so prevalent in Western society. He said if you try to arrange to see a dead body, you’ll find it’s practically illegal. Even in an open-casket funeral, the corpse is painted with makeup, and otherwise sanitized.
There is a great George Carlin bit about death anxiety. I think this is it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....re=related
Thanks for this post. I liked how you pointed out that it’s hard to think about what death is before we have any idea what it means to be alive (I think J. Krishnamurti said something along these lines as well). That is, what do we even mean when we say “I”? If “I” means the body sitting here typing, why do I think of it as “my” body? Who does it belong to?
David,
I guess not be able to see the body is yet another way to avoid thoughts of death. Contrast this with 200 years ago when the family members of the deceased prepared the body for burial.
Thanks for the George Carlin piece. It was amusing.
Chris,
Welcome!
Thinking about death naturally leads to thoughts of impermanence which leads to thoughts about what is “I”. In Buddhism, thoughts are not the thinker.
I don’t know what the rest of Europe do, but we also have life insurance here in the UK. It is mainly to cover funeral costs and to pay off the rest of the mortgage if needed, the rest go to next of kin. If something was to happen to me tomorrow, at least my wife doesn’t need to worry about meeting mortgage costs etc. We just accept it as an extra outgoing each month.
Garry,
Interesting! We do a similar thing here in the US. The life insurance is often a benefit from our employer and is a multiple of salary.
A very deep post Roger, and thank you for the link
It’s funny as I was just discussing this with a close friend. He suggested that that once we overcome fear of dying, that’s when life can really begin.
Albert,
You’re welcome. I’m a big fan of your blog.
I think your friend is correct, but it’s easy to say and difficult to do.
What an important post. Thank you.
I think contemplating death is the first step of spiritual awareness. It helps us to open our eyes.
Michael,
I couldn’t agree more. We need to use whatever we can to wake up and contemplating death is one of the more potent methods.
Hi Roger,
Usually we are attached to physical things and we are encouraged by media and all the things to do so. This is the cause of our real worries.We are afraid of losing. Losing the things that not posses to us even.Because when we leave we have to abandon everything.So thinking about death is the only way that we can give up our attachments to material things we’ve attached to . IF we can understand that we have to leave on a day which is most probably out of our knowledge, we’ll live happier than this. Because so that we can understand that no point of attaching to things.
Thanks for the great post. This really made me think.
Have a nice day!
Vikum,
Welcome!
I agree with you - attachment is the cause of much suffering. The attachment could be to material things, pleasure, people, or even ideas.