This post is Part 2 of a two part series. You can read Part 1 here.
In Part 1, I discussed the first six happiness activities in The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want by Sonja Lyubomirsky. This post discusses the last six happiness activities.
7. Learning to Forgive Others
When you forgive another person, you increase your happiness. Forgiving others means that you reduce your desire for avoidance and revenge and increase positive feelings and behaviors. It doesn’t necessarily imply you excuse, pardon or condone others.
Forgiving others is difficult, but here are a few techniques you can use:
- Appreciate being forgiven yourself. Remember a time when you were forgiven by somebody. Think about how it felt and why the person forgave you. This makes it easier for you to forgive.
- Imagine forgiving another. Recall somebody that offended you and imagine what it would be like to forgive him. How would you feel emotionally and physically?
- Write a letter of forgiveness. Write a letter to somebody that offended you, but don’t send the letter. This letter is to help you let go of your anger and bitterness.
- Practice empathy. Try to see the perspective of somebody that offended you and understand why he behaved the way he did. You can also use loving-kindness meditation to generally increase your empathy for others.
8. Increasing Flow Experiences
Flow increases your happiness and you can learn more in my previous post about flow.
9. Savoring Life’s Joys
Savoring life’s joys leads to happiness and a greater appreciation of life. “Savoring” refers to any thoughts or behaviors that can generate, intensify, or prolong enjoyment. The thoughts can be about the past, present or future.
There are several ways you can savor life:
- Be mindful and relish the ordinary. Be mindful and appreciative during daily activities. An activity can be as simple as walking or eating mindfully.
- Savor and reminisce with others. You can increase your joy of life if you share it with others. Appreciate the present moment with another or discuss a shared memory.
- Replay happy events to yourself. Remember moments or days when you were really happy and mentally relive them.
- Celebrate good news. When something good happens to you, share it with others to help you savor more deeply.
- Be open to beauty. When you see something beautiful, take time to appreciate it.
10. Committing to Your Goals
I believe goals may be unnecessary for happiness, but Sonja’s research indicates otherwise. Goals provide a sense of purpose, improves our self-esteem, improves our time management skills, adds structure to our lives, and forces us to engage with other people and life.
Picking the right goals is critical. The kinds of goal you choose should have the following characteristics:
- Intrinsic: Pick goals that have meaning to you as opposed to goals that are given to you.
- Desirable: The goal should involve approaching a desirable outcome (finding a great job, finishing a woodworking project, making two new friends) rather than avoiding an undesirable outcome (avoid being fired, preventing an argument, making sure your car doesn’t fall apart).
- Harmonious: You goals should complement each other. Conflicting goals create frustration — it’s difficult to spend more time with your family AND build a new business.
- Active: Pick goals that require unending activity. For instance, the goal of joining and participating in a chess club will bring more happiness than the goal of buying a beautiful chess set. Once you’ve purchased the chess set, you’re done. The chess club activity continues forever.
11. Practicing Religion and Spirituality
Research shows that practicing religion helps with short-term trauma recovery, improves long-term health, and makes you happier.
Religion overlaps spirituality, but they’re not equivalent. Sonja refers to spirituality as a “search for the sacred” – you try to find meaning in life that’s larger than yourself. People that do not believe or participate in a religion may still be spiritual. For instance, you may describe your life’s work as your “calling.”
If you chose to practice religion and/or spirituality, here are a few tips:
- Seek meaning and purpose. For instance, you could seek meaning in God, enlightenment, art or science.
- Pray. If you can, dedicate a period of time each day to pray.
- Find the sacred in ordinary life. Develop the ability to see holiness in everyday things like a meal or a walk in the park.
12. Taking Care of Your Body
Taking care of your body is an obvious way to improve happiness. Sonja suggest three separate ways to care for your body:
- Meditate. I meditate everyday and find it extremely useful. I’ve written a series on beginning meditation.
- Be physically active. Exercise is one of the best ways to get regular physical activity. You can turn exercise into a habit.
- Act like a happy person. It seems odd, but research shows that just pretending you’re happy will make you happier. For example, you can smile, be engaged, give hugs, and pretend your enthusiastic.
I’ve only touched on some of the ideas on Sonja’s The How of Happiness book. If you want to learn more, please read the book.
Do you already practice any of these happiness activities? If so, which ones work best for you?
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Tags: Exercise, Habits, Meditation, Mindful Eating, Mindfulness, Personal goals, Psychology
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One by one, I’ve stumbled across each of those activities in my search for happiness. I’m definitely better at some than others, but it makes me wonder if those twelve happiness activities aren’t just helpful, but prerequisites to consistent happiness. I will have to read this book, but it’s going to have to get in line behind about twenty others on my list. I need to commit more time to reading.
Wonderful!! I love happiness and activities.
I do some of these but not all of them. I really enjoy savoring life’s goals and I’m working on the forgiveness one.
@David: Hmmm…are the happiness activities necessary or sufficient to be happy? I think they’re necessary as you say. I like the book because it describes some of the research behind the activities.
@Positively Present (aka Dani): I don’t do all of them either. But I’m going to start trying the ones I don’t do and see what happens.
Wonderful list!! I think forgiving others is a big deal… if we don’t, we just carry around this giant burden that harms us more than anyone else. It is imperative to let things go if we want to find inner peace.
I’m hoping #12 is a big fat lie… ’cause it’s my least favorite.
Hi Roger .. I just wanted to touch base .. I see you’ve got some posts on meditation .. so I’ll be back to read those properly.
You’ve got some excellent points here .. and again I’ll be back to read properly and go to the flow post ..
A content life .. is a good name .. - glad to be a part of your community ..
@Lisis: Thanks! It’s funny how forgiving causes much less pain than not forgiving. And nope #12 is no lie, so get to work!
@Hillary: Welcome and I hope you enjoy the blog!
Hi Roger,
In my search for happiness, I have come across all these factors which you have listed in the this series. As my state of being happy continues, the more I realize that one quality which is really a big factor in happiness/optimism is the concept of faith. And by faith, I am not talking about religion or dogma. But rather an awareness that there is more to life than what we see. Life has a way of working things out in the long run. Whether it is God, Energy, The Force, Gravity or whatever term you want to use, there is something that holds this world together. I have yet to meet someone who is genuinely happy who does not have faith.
Ugh! I’m still waiting on scientific evidence that proves exercise, in fact, does more harm than good. Have you seen that anywhere yet? I am sure it’s coming… I’m banking on it!
@Nadia: Hmmm…that may fall under the category of what Sonja called spirituality. The Zen Buddhism that I’m practicing makes the same argument as you. Basically, I believe that you awaken to a clear understanding of reality and that it’s an enlightening experience.
@Lisis: Are you serious or are you joking? There’s lots of evidence to show that exercise is beneficial. If you’re serious, then maybe I’ll write a post that identifies some of the research. If you’re joking, then no excuses for not exercising!
No, believe me… I’ve SEEN all the pro-exercise info. (Married to a health-nut, remember?) There really are no excuses, but I’m in desperate need of a good one.
I do want to take a moment, though, to reiterate Nadia’s last sentence. I will completely second that… “I have yet to meet someone who is genuinely happy who does not have faith.” I think it’s absolutely necessary to believe in something that one draws comfort from.
Roger, another great post. The only thing I would add is on goals. Make sure your goals and your values are in alignment. I think people pursue goals that they think will make them happy because they will make money or some other result. But getting a result you want in a way that is not in alignment with your values typically does not make you happy.
@Lisis: Yep…Nadia does have a good point.
@Stephen: I agree. Some people pursue the wrong goals and goals need to match our real values. I think the problem is that some people aren’t aware of what their real values are.
“Act like a happy person.” That works for me. Just the other day I was walking in my neighbourhood engrossed in thoughts of a not-so-good situation that occurred between a colleague and myself. When I was waiting at the crosswalk and I realized that I must look like a real cranky grump. So, I forced a smile on my face and it brought me back into the present moment. Just that small act helped me change how I was feeling which led to more positive thinking about how to try to resolve this situation. May sound simplistic, but that’s what happened.
Thanks for post. I’ve put a hold on Lyubomirsky’s book at the library. I’m looking forward to reading it.
Laurie,
I’m glad it worked for you! I’ve never really tried, but I’m going to try it this week. It feels strange pretending to be happy, but apparently there is a psychological impact as you describe.
I think you’ll like Lyubomirsky’s book — there are many things that I didn’t cover.
Excellent posts!
We all think we “know” what happiness is and how to make ourselves happy, but just stopping and looking a little deeper we can reveal that much of our “happiness” is only skin deep.
As someone who was in a serious car accident with a few years of recovery I learned to truly “Be mindful and relish the ordinary”. We should all be thankful that everyday we are still alive and able to function is a good day!
I’m definitely going to get this book now and put it close to the top of the “I swear I’ll read it soon” pile.
Sean,
Welcome!
I’m sorry to learn about your car accident, but it seems to have taught you a useful lesson about mindfulness. I agree we need to be grateful for the everyday.
It’s odd that I appreciate something more when it’s taken away. For instance, when I have a bad cold and can’t taste anything, I really appreciate taste and smell. Or when I hurt my back, I really appreciate the ability to walk and move pain-free.
Roger,
I like your focus on practical actions to make us happy. “Act like a happy person” is quite under-rated, although most people who try it attest to the fact that it works!
Daphne,
I guess it always seemed artificial to me, but research shows otherwise. It has a real impact on your happiness. I’m going to give it a try.
Thanks for this post. One thing I’d add to the idea of savoring moments you appreciate is that I’ve found it helpful to take an attitude of savoring in every situation I’m in — in the sense of really getting familiar with what I’m feeling, even if it’s anger, sadness or something else. When I get a sense of how something like anger feels in my body — maybe it’s a hot feeling in my shoulders, for instance — it no longer seems so threatening and “bad.”
Chris,
Excellent point! Sonja didn’t make that point, but being mindful of unpleasant emotions lessons the impact and duration of the emotion. It becomes just another thought that you can watch.