No Act of Kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. - Aesop
We feel good and help create a gentler, more humane world when we perform acts of kindness. But are there times when our kindness can be unkind? Although it seems paradoxical, I believe the answer is yes. I divide kindness into two types: true kindness and false kindness.
True kindness occurs when you’re altruistically helpful to one or more beings. For example, you may help a stray cat or dog find its owner or a new home. Or you may let another car merge in front of you when you’re in a traffic jam. Or you may listen to someone who NEEDS to talk even when you don’t feel like listening. Or you may hold a door door open for someone. Or you may be a volunteer doctor working in a third world country removing a ruptured appendix to save a patient. True kindness may inflict short-term pain, but is always helpful in the long-term. It’s not always nice.
False kindness, on the other hand, occurs when you’re nice, but harmful to one or more beings. For example, you may have a drug-addicted or alcoholic friend who asks for money you know will be used to purchase alcohol or drugs. Giving your friend money may be nice, but you’ll hurt his body and mind if you do so. Or you may have a friend who fled the scene of a car accident when he was the cause of the accident. You could tell him that it’s OK — everyone will eventually forget about it. That’s a nice thing to say, but you hurt him by encouraging him to be irresponsible.
I touched on another example of false kindness in Raising Sane Children — some parents want to be their child’s best friend, instead of his parent. For example, you may go shopping and see a parent buy a toy so his child will stop screaming “I WANT THAT TOY.” This is false kindness because it teaches the child that screaming is a way to get what you want.
Before you think I’m being too harsh, I realize parents are imperfect. They may have stress-filled days and little sleep and it’s easier to occasionally appease. Heck, I’ve probably done it with our young sons. Just don’t try to rationalize your behavior as true kindness.
Another example of false kindness and parenting relates to childhood obesity. Some parents believe it’s true kindness to give their child any food he wants. It’s easy to do because cheap junk food is available everywhere. The result has been an epidemic of childhood obesity. The video below shows the results of one parent always giving her child what she wants to eat.
To complicate things further, there are boundary cases where it’s not clear whether kindness is true or false. These cases force you to judge the long-term consequences of your actions. You’ll never be sure, but as long as your intention is true kindness that’s the best you can do.
Let’s consider one example of a boundary case. You may be a manager at a company and all your subordinates are good at their jobs except Mary who tries hard but performs horribly. You have to give Mary her job performance review and decide whether to fire her. You could tell Mary that she does average work and let her keep her job. That would be nice, but is it helpful? Well, if Mary has a big family and her husband is unemployed, it might be helpful. On the other hand, you’re deluding Mary into thinking she has a long-term future at the company. Mary may be unhappy because she’s knows she’s bad at her job. What about the other employees? Is it kind to them to keep somebody that slows everybody else down? It’s not clear how to be truly kind in this case. As a compromise, you could explain to Mary that she can stay until her husband finds a job.
Aesop had it right — small kindnesses matter. Just make certain your kindnesses are true.
What acts of true or false kindness have you observed?
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Tags: Kindness, Psychology, Relationships
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Very good point, Roger! I see so many people who try to be “nice” all the time, without ever realizing the harm they are doing. They think they are saving others from hurt feelings or unpleasant scenarios, when in fact they are causing more damage. It’s important to examine your own reasons for doing something “nice”, and to evaluate it against the possibility of doing more harm than good. Not that love should always be “tough love”, but sometimes, tough love is really what people (especially children) need. Giving people what they need, instead of what they want, is true kindness.
Jay,
You’ve summarized my post better than I could!
Sometimes I worry that I come across as a hard-ass, but I also like being nice. It’s just that “nice” is not always kind.
Roger,
I like this distinction. Sometimes when we think we’re being ‘kind’ we are actually trying to appease something in ourselves, probably our ego. This action may not benefit the other person even if we convince ourselves that it does. This would be false kindness.
Daphne,
I think your point about ego is correct. Sometimes false kindness provides an immediate sense of relief, but it’s an illusion that our ego invents.
I think it’s interesting that you tie boundary issues into this discussion, Roger, because they are so relevant. When we look at the root of why we are motivated to do something, we may find that we want to do “good” from a sense of being responsible for someone rather than responsible to them. What a difference it is to give that toy to the child because you are predicting their future response or a future consequence and you want to sway it toward your own desired outcome, an outcome that may have far more negative consequences than delayed gratification. You’ve left me with some things to think about today.
Chania Girl,
I agree — the boundary case are incredibly difficult. Also, even if you have the best of intentions, the outcome is still unpredictable. You can only do your best and hope for the best.
Really interesting! I’ve never thought about the difference between true and false kindness before but there definitely is one. I can’t think of a good example of false kindness right now, but I know I’ve seen one. Thanks for writing this! Very interesting!
Positively Present,
Thanks and I’m glad you found it interesting! I believe there is a big distinction, but it’s not always easy to know which kindnesses are true and which false.
Roger, I think you just explained the Buddhist view of wisdom in easy-to-understand, nonsecular terms. It takes wisdom (Right View and Right Intention) to see what is best for another person, and to not have that view tainted by our own wants and needs.
Thank you for that video… what an eye-opener. That little girl is so beautiful. I hope that her mother has strength to continue the wonderful progress they have both made.
Ann Elise,
Based on my limited knowledge of Right View and Right Intention, I think you’re correct. Thanks for pointing it out!! I didn’t intentionally do it, but I guess some of the Buddhism I’m studying is sinking in.
Is this true or false.
“I am a fraud saint. But I want to earn fame. So, I start new schools, help the poor and do all kinds of kindness.”
This is not about myself, ok? So is it true kindness or false?
Akshay,
Welcome and thanks for the question!
If his acts really did help others in the long-term, then his acts are true kindness. However, Buddhists would say he did not bring merit to himself because he had the wrong intention (fame) when he performed the acts.
Seems to me being kind will only cause unkindness to pop up somewhere else. It’s the old adage of, “You can’t please everyone.”
I agree that we should choose our kindness wisely and in the best interest of the person we are dealing with. What isn’t clear are the million points of light that may fester because of our intended kindness.
Spreader of kindness beware.
Spencer,
Welcome and thanks for bringing up this point!
We never know for certain what the results of our action will be. We’re all subject to the “law of unintended consequences”. For example, an off-duty policeman is on his way to work one day and stops to resuscitate a pedestrian who was hit by a car. That’s an act of true kindness. But he’s late for work and as a result fails to interrupt a bank robbery in which five people are killed. He could have saved five lives instead of one, but there was no way for him to know that beforehand.
All we can do is make our best guess and hope for the best.
Hi Roger,
Thank you for having the courage to address false kindness. I see false kindness every day and it breaks my heart. I think the world has become so fast paced and everyone is so afraid that we have forgotten the importance of being genuine in our interactions with each other.
I always find it funny when people ask you how are you but then don’t wait for the answer. So why even ask?
Roger, I agree 100%. I know people who have been fired and it was the best thing that ever happened to them. I know that handing out money to people who don’t work often just enables their problem. I am very concerned about all suffering, human and animal, but I also try to be conscious of what actually helps or hurts. Too much kindness is bad for the recipient. It is very hard to decide the borderline cases but decide we must. Thank you for pointing all this out.
Also to the fattest girl in the world video. Kind of puts a different perspective on the “I can’t help it” crowd doesn’t it?
@Nadia: You’re welcome! I’m not sure why people ask without waiting for a response. I guess they think their being polite, but it feels insincere.
@Stephen: Good point — trying to ignore border cases is also an unconscious decision, a decision by indecision. That’s not a good way to make any decision. I found the video sad — the girl clearly needed much better guidance from her parents.
Thoughtful post, Roger.
It’s important to understand our motivation when we’re being kind - Are we being kind to ourselves by helping another to make ourselves feel good or are we being kind by helping someone else even though it’s hard on us.
The video was really an eye-opener. Thanks for including it - it really drives home your point.
Laurie,
I couldn’t agree more — intention is critical. And it’s hard to be honest with ourselves and admit our true intentions.
OMG! Roger, that video… there are no words to express how badly I feel for that little girl. I just don’t understand people sometimes!
The toddler, even if she did demand to eat constantly, can only eat what is IN the house. Why would a parent buy ANY junk food at all when the kid is so overweight she has to roll on the ground!? If the mom ONLY buys produce, and lean meats (with water to drink) the kid could eat all day long and not gain weight. Or, more likely, she wouldn’t be eating all day long ’cause it’s just not as much fun to eat apples and carrots as it is to eat a bag of chips. Ugh! Can you tell this issue bugs me??
But your point about false kindnesses is well taken. We should pay close attention to our true motivations when being “nice” to others.
I tell being “nice” from being “kind”. You can usually be kind and nice at the same time. Yet when you are kind you are being like kind-red to someone, like a father should treat a son, or like a brother should treat a sister.
Note I said should
@Lisis: I know..it doesn’t make any sense. Why wouldn’t the mother do something when her kid was 50 lbs overweight? Wouldn’t that be a sign that you need to get help?
@Miguel de Luis Espinosa: Welcome! Most of the time we can be nice and kind at the same time. That feels really good for everybody. We should always be as nice as possible when we are kind.
Interesting post Roger.
The way I look at it, there is no such thing as pure altruism. Everything I do, I do for myself. Even when I’m generous and kind in a ‘true’ way, I do so because it meets a need of mine to contribute to the lives of others. I feel great when I give without any expectation of receiving anything back.
If I use that same thinking, then ‘false’ kindness is when I’m trying to meet some other need than contributing. As a parent I know the temptation to give on demand and in those times I’ve done it (yes, I’m one of those imperfect parents!) it’s usually for my own ease and nothing to do with being kind. And you are so right that this has negative consequences .. so I’m constantly alert to that.
Ian,
You may be surprised, but I agree that there is no such thing as pure altruism. I think that true kindness benefits me as much as it benefits the person I’m being kind to. In that sense, I’m indirectly serving myself.
Love love love. Somtimes the hardest thing to realize is that NO is the most loving answer.
Dawn,
Welcome! That accurately sums up my post in one sentence. Thank you.