Be able to be alone. Lose not the advantage of solitude, and the society of thyself. – Sir Thomas Browne
I read many blog posts. Most posts briefly occupy my mind and disappear. But a few weeks ago, my friend Ian at Quantum Learning wrote a post called “Do my words improve silence?” that reverberated through my mind for weeks. He described how we often speak useless gibberish:
Most of the noise we create is a complete waste of energy that adds nothing except background static. The more static, the harder I find it to differentiate those voices worth listening to.
His post forced me to think before I speak. Is what I’m about to say valuable? If not, why bother saying it?
But it also made me realize that we fill the space we occupy with sound. We have televisions, cell phones, land-line phones, home stereos, car stereos, MP3 players, and, of course, our voices. We use these things even when we don’t need to. For instance, when was the last time you left your car stereo off when you were driving? I leave mine on all the time.
Why do we add unnecessary sound? I think it comes from our fear of silence and it’s close cousin solitude. We equate silence and solitude with loneliness. And we fear our thoughts and feelings that might arise out of silence and solitude.
When we first married, my wife, Lisa, would turn on the TV and ignore it. I asked her why she did this and she said the voices made her feel less lonely while she did housework. I found this odd, but now I realize we all do things to avoid silence, solitude, and loneliness.
Mankind used to live with silence and solitude. Two hundred years ago there were no phones, radios, recordings, or televisions. Towns and villages were small and many people lived far away from their closest neighbor. Travel was slow and expensive so it was hard to visit others.
All this noise and crowding is so new that we aren’t genetically designed to handle it. We NEED time for self-reflection and contemplation to digest daily events and maintain our sanity. We need mental space to breath. We can keep our technology, but we must purposely create our own solitude and silence.
Yesterday, I drove to and from the gym with my car stereo off. There were a few times when my hand automatically reached to turn on the stereo, but I resisted. I discovered I wanted to to turn it on to avoid a particular thought or boredom. It was an interesting experience.
Try to create your own silence and solitude. Turn off your car stereo, go for a walk alone in the woods, or learn to meditate.
Do you need silence and solitude? Do you have too much or too little? How do you create silence and solitude?
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Tags: Mindfulness, Sanity
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Roger,
I totally identify with this post. 18 years ago I stopped watching TV out of necessity (as a student living abroad, there wasn’t one in my room) and since then, have existed in relative silence. It actually bugs me now to have the TV on in the house or when I’m in someone else’s house. It’s just noise to me.
Solitude is so important to me. In fact I think I’m alone too much, and often prefer my own company. I sometimes lean towards the other extreme of too much solitude, to the point where I find it difficult to work with others, since I’m so used to being on my own.
I do agree with you that Ian’s post on whether our words improve the silence is something I want to internalise.
I’m a big fan of silence. I like to listen to music while I work, or while I’m cleaning house, but I never turn on the TV for background noise, and I rarely have any kind of sound going on at all, unless it’s intentional. When I moved to Atlanta, I made a conscious effort to move into an apartment complex with a noise restriction in place. That means I don’t have to be bothered with the loud music and TVs of my neighbors, a quality essential for my enjoyment of my home.
I enjoy quiet time…to read, to reflect, to just…be. And of course, to meditate now that I’m doing it everyday
@Daphne: Wow, that’s great! I watch TV less that I used to, but still more than I should. I really dislike hearing the TV when I’m not watching it.
@Jay: I didn’t even know you could find apartments with noise reduction, but smart move. Meditation is my favorite form of silence and solitude.
Hi Roger,
I love my silent moments because that is when I can clear my head from all the noise of the day and become more centered.It is hard, for me, to be focused and in touch with my inner voice when there is so much noise around me. You know the saying “I need to hear myself think”? I think it is so true. You need to hear yourself in order to know how to live your life. So silence is a great tool for that.
Roger– It is so true…we are not genetically designed to handle so many of the “disturbances” that come with modern society. Your points on needing to find (make) time for intentional quiet are so important. To still the buzzing and begin to hear that which is so often drowned out in our days.
I sometimes challenge others (and myself) to have a complete meal by themselves without any distraction. No music, no reading, no talking to others, no tv, no computer. Just eat and enjoy a full meal by yourself. It is much harder to do at first than many people think!
Thanks for this post!
This is an excellent post - I am marking it with a star so I can get back to it whenever I want to read these words again.
I believe most of us run away from silence in a way or another - from turning on the TV to listening to music to going to a disco to calling a friend, there are too many options available. There are several reasons for this: avoiding loneliness, as you refer, is one of them, but there is also a certain fear of ourselves. If there is silence, we hear our thoughts with more clarity; perhaps not everyone wants to deal with them. Not everyone is willing to embrace their evolution and accept their true nature. There is much fear connected to avoiding silence.
@Nadia: “I need to hear myself think?” Yep, I do. I wish I had added it to the post.
@Lisa: It is hard to eat by yourself without distractions. I did a 30 day experiment in mindful eating which did the thing you described. It was hard in the beginning, but by the end I enjoyed it.
@Susan: Welcome and thank you for the kind words! I agree that fear our thoughts is troublesome. I meditate everyday and there are days that I wanted to run out of the room screaming. But eventually I realized that my thoughts are not me.
I think I have a healthy amount of solitude and silence. If anything, I need to be more social. I really enjoyed this post…it made me think about how often I might have solitude but not silence…
Positively Present (aka Dani),
You raise an excellent point! It’s possible to get too much solitude and silence. It’s a balance for everybody and only you would know what’s right for you.
Hey, Roger! I’m with Nadia on this one… I love my moments of silence, perhaps because they are only moments (and rare, at that!) I suppose if I were completely alone all the time I wouldn’t appreciate silence quite as much.
Like you said to Dani, it’s about finding the right balance for each of us at any given phase of our lives.
Beautiful post, Roger (and Ian)!
Lisis,
I understand - when we had young sons, the only time there was silence in our house was when they were asleep. It’s not easy, but it’s also important for you to find some silence and solitude to be the best person and parent that you can be.
I enjoy silence many times in the day. Not that I’m turning anything off, I just never turn anything on unless it’s intentional - when I intend to watch TV or I intend to listen to music. Besides, I spend a lot of my day writing and reading and I find it difficult to concentrate on what I have to do with sound around me. Even when I’m driving, I never turn on the radio and rarely bring a CD. But that’s mostly because I’m singing my own made-up songs…which I think to most people is noise.
Laurie,
You have a good point about intentional sound as opposed to background noise. When we immerse ourselves in the sound, then that’s mindfulness and useful.
I think you should record some of your made-up songs and post them on your blog so we can all enjoy!
Excellent post, thanks for sharing.
I used to have music playing or the TV on at all times, but now I *need* silence. For me I think it has a lot to do with being a peace with myself, but it’s also about getting the balance right.
Melanie,
Welcome!
I think we all need silence, but many of us don’t realize it. We just wonder why we feel jittery and anxious all the time. I’m glad you’re taking steps to find the right balance.
Roger, I really identified with your TV stuff. My wife walks through the living room where I am sitting quietly and turns on the TV and then just continues walking on into another room. I can’t believe it. I hardly watch it at all anymore. For some reason, maybe it is age, I can’t stand noise anymore. My headphones (sound isolating) and classical music or self-improvement audios go into my ears a lot. Listen to Mozart, it’s much better than the TV or pop music. It makes me feel good. Vivaldi’s four seasons is excellent pick me up music.
P.S. I have to put on some real classic rock once in a while. The music of my youth calls to me once in a while.
One day I noticed a terrible habit of mine:
When I got home from work, I would just automatically turn on the TV almost immediately, and NOT watch it. I just wanted the comforting sound of background noise. I guess I needed to diffuse the tension of the silence by killing it with something.
I don’t watch it at all anymore.
I will try not turning on the stereo in my car, too. I am a music addict so it will be strange for me.
That is a great post by Ian too, for anyone who hasn’t read it.
@Stephen: “For some reason, maybe it is age, I can’t stand noise anymore.” I’m with you.
@David: Turning off the car stereo is hard for me also, but I think it’s healthy to occasionally do.
I think I have a great balance between my busy life and my times of solitude - but it is forced on me my my hinky work schedule! I have come to look forward to waking in the middle of the night, when everyone is asleep, and spending some quality time reading blogs, contemplating the insights I find, reading quietly, and generally centering myself. Insomnia has its benefits. Like you mention in your comment above, I do feel like a better parent and a better person when I have had this quiet time.
Ann Elise,
I agree. The most quiet time is in the middle of the night.
I occasionally can’t sleep as well, but I work at home so it’s often quiet for me during the day when everybody leaves the house. I prefer to sleep at night.
Roger. Of course, I love the post! And I’m delighted my article stimulated so much in you.
I think I’m pretty fortunate that, despite living in the centre of a large city, I get enough silence. The place I live is just above the noise level and in a reasonably quiet street. Especially at 6.00am when I get up. Perfect silence and I find it a perfect start to the day.
Thanks again for the link and rave review!
Ian,
Thanks! The feeling is mutual.
You’re lucky to find silence and solitude in the city. I don’t think that’s possible for every city dweller.